Here's to Love and Beauty

Post Partum Depression.

2011-02-07T16:03:00.001-08:00

Last week I started therapy and I found out that I was suffering from depression. Something I had thought I might have but wasn't sure. I realized recently that I have no idea who I am as a person. I've been pregnant and raising babies for the last few years that it became my identity. I'm in this process of figuring out who I am without pregnancy and without a baby thats dependent on me 24/7. I think thats why I'm almost mourning the fact that my son is no longer a baby... Everyday he becomes more dependent and would rather spend time with his sister than me. That's also why I think I'm ready to have another baby.

I remember looking forward to this time in my life, being able to do things I wasn't able to for two years. Yet, I find myself here and I'm at a loss. How do you tell your friends and family that you're sad, but you're not sure why you're sad? I have ideas and reasons why I could be sad, but I can't place my finger on it. That's frustrating to me. I'm usually really good with sorting feelings and figuring things like this out. But I've finally reached a point where I'm tired, and I need help from someone.

My therapist says that my depression probably stems from the fact that I'm overwhelmed. But then I look at other moms and they don't seem or act overwhelmed and while I know that depression isn't a sign of weakness... I can't help but think I have become weak. I cannot be weak because I'm a wife, a mother, a best friend, a sister, and a daughter. I have people that count on me constantly for many things and its tiring. I felt as if I had no one to confide in and count on because what I'm carrying is heavy and I don't expect my friends and family to carry that with me.

I'm relieved and starting to make changes. My mom knows me so well and mentioned this to me when Beck was born but I didn't listen, because I thought I'd be fine. I'm not fine and I'm okay admitting that :) I remember trying to express to Leif my feelings and knowing he felt that it was partly his fault. Its not. I think its part of life and part of transitioning. I think my personality plays a big part in this to. A few weeks ago I wrote about how I feel everything and I take on everything, this is a result of that. Before I go on anything my therapist wants to work on coping methods for my anxiety. Starting with exercise. Something I've stopped doing because I've had no motivation to. Which is odd because thats part of who I am. My therapist has also encouraged me to continue my baking and cooking because it helps with my anxiety.

Besides that Leif and I have decided to commit to a church in the area and I've begun doing their Womens Bible Study. Its already impacted me a lot and I'm amazed at what I've been learning these past few weeks! I'm liking the changes :)

Phew, I feel good that I've shared this and been vulnerable for a bit.

[this is also why I haven't blogged in awhile!]

NEW!

2010-12-22T11:26:00.001-08:00

Starting a new blog to document things I find... I think people are tired of all the things I link to on facebook: new blogspot!

GO FOLLOW FRIENDS!

2010-06-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

My heart is full.
I was humbled and blessed this week.
My spirit is renewed.

Gold shoes make any outfit so much better.

Faith.

2010-04-29T03:01:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to step out and have faith. To be confident in my Father and His direction in my life.
I think I have been struggling with having confidence in myself because I wasn't putting faith in the one who I follow and depend on.

I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life to encourage me and be reminders of His grace and love.

I can't begin to count the ways God has blessed my life.

I've been feeling challenged by God. He's been asking me to simply trust Him. I am going to.

2010-04-20T10:56:00.001-07:00

I called my mom yesterday on my way to the gym and she answered the phone singing: "Has anyone told you I loved you today"

It made my night.

2010-03-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

I love my mom and our conversations. I love hearing that she prays for me. I need so much prayer! Always:)

Having two children has put a strain on my marriage. Leif and I are learning how to work through this. Its difficult and sometimes I just want to give up. That'd be too easy. God's helping us and we're learning so much.

2010-02-20T14:46:00.001-08:00

The Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good. They hope, by being good, to please God if there is one; or — if they think there is not — at least they hope to deserve approval from good men. But the Christian thinks any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him. He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us; just as the roof of a greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, but becomes bright because the sun shines on it.

C.S. Lewis

Goodness.

2010-02-10T16:53:00.001-08:00

Leif and I watched this dvd the other night. I want to watch it again tonight. This song is brilliant. Jim James is brilliant.

Why don't more people appreciate good music?

I'm laying in bed watching this video over and over. It reminds me of Leif, dancing, and rainy nights. I'm reminded of God and His blessings.

2010-01-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

I'd like to teach my daughter that being a woman means she deserves to be loved and honored. Respected and adored. She can do whatever she sets her mind to.

I want her to know that God created her for a certain role and whoever she marries was created for a specific role. One of those roles, to cherish her, protect her, and love her the way Christ loves the church.

I'm thankful for Leif who will be able to give her an example of what a godly man looks like. I hope that I'll be a good example of a godly woman for her.

2010-01-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

Everyday it becomes more evident why God has moved us here to Monterey.
Everyday I become more okay with living here longer than planned.
God is good

Change my heart.

2010-01-26T13:18:00.000-08:00

Lord, please change my heart.

Records.

2010-01-13T10:44:00.000-08:00

Recently I read through my livejournal. I started it I think back in 2004... I update it now and then but mostly with about 5 words or less. I'm so happy I kept that journal. I got my first diary when I was 8 and continued to write almost everyday until I was in highschool. Then my best friend told me about livejournal. So I started journaling in there. SO HAPPY I DID! Reading back on things that happened, especially in college was wonderful. I remembered so many people who had blessed my life and made a difference. I loved that if I got a special card or message I'd write it in my livejournal.

It was also a lot of fun going back and reading about how things progressed with Leif:) I'm a bit embarrassed by myself but at the same time I love seeing how I changed from year to year. Even month to month.

I wish I was as consistent with journaling as I had been then. Maybe Ill get better?

2009-12-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

My husband told me he misses the woman he married.

I miss her too.

Pregnancy, what have you done to me?

2009-12-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

I am content[where we are]
&
I am confident[in myself]

2009-11-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

I ended my first book with the words 'no answer'. I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words.

---C.S Lewis; Till We Have Faces

2009-10-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Weight of Glory again.
The idea of heaven and being with Jesus is beautiful.

2009-09-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

I like the woman I've become.

I like where I'm headed.

I like the changes I've made.

A lot of this is because of Riley and being her mother.
But really its because of God and His goodness.

Ignorance.

2009-09-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

I don't like the word ignorant and I've never called anyone that, until this week.

It bothers me when people say things like "Only a small amount of American's are actually racist". On tv last night, a woman said less than 10%. These are always white middle class Americans. Republicans. I have nothing against these people... I lived amongst them growing up and I considered myself a Republican. I still do.

But being black I see things a bit different. I used to think that racism didn't really happen anymore, maybe in the South but not here. I grew up and moved out and then I experienced it. I can't expect someone who has never experienced it to understand but I also don't expect them to tell me I'm wrong.

This week, countless times, I tried to explain but people would tell me I was wrong. I've had first hand experience. But that doesn't mean anything... I do appreciate that President Obama has sparked lots of talk about racism and race.

What I really want to say it: Racism still exists. What are you doing about it?

Worn out.

2009-09-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I don't remember my pregnancy with Riley being this tiring... I guess I was able to sleep a lot more when I was pregnant with her. Even when I try to get a lot of sleep I find myself worn out. Thank you 9 month old:) I just want to sleep. I just want to rest.

I'd like a vacation. But not visiting family or friends. I'd like to go somewhere where I am not obligated to see anyone, I can take time for just myself. That sounds selfish but my body doesn't feel like it can do much more.

2009-08-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in this since July?
Weird.

I'm a little discouraged at the moment and I'm missing my mommy.
Pregnancy is treating me well and I'm looking forward to having the baby belly.
I'm not missing Southern California as much anymore, and for that I'm grateful.
I still want to be living in Oregon but we'll see where God takes us from here...

I miss Him actually.
I miss Church.
I miss other Christians.

The girls I hang out with believe in God I guess? But its not that big of a deal to them. One of them is Mormon, she's the one I spend most of my time with. She's having a hard time at her church, they're not welcoming. I can relate to that. We run into the girls from her church at the park. We meet with our group the same time they meet with theirs. They're rude. I didn't realize grown ups could be like that. We've tried to get along with them but they don't want anything to do with us really. I don't understand adults.

And that brings me to something else: I don't feel like I'm actually a grown up.
I still feel like a little girl compared to everyone else.
Why is this?

2009-07-11T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being sick. I didn't realize morning sickness was so draining and terrible. I have morning sickness because I'm pregnant. Again. This is my 4th pregnancy. In a year and a half. My body is tired and its been awhile since my hormones were at normal levels.

I'm scared and worried, but I'm trying with all the strength I have left to rely on God.

I'm also worried about what will happen with school. Its hard to earn a art degree online:) God knows though. He does.

I'm also slacking on my summer list. Thankfully I have some good tips to fight this sickness and wonderful people joining me for the next three weeks. I'll be able to check some things off!

Wise with money.

2009-07-06T22:27:00.001-07:00

I dislike being wise with my money, but I do it anyways. Its nice to know that it will pay off in a few years, but it really sucks right now. So many things I want to buy, things for my house, a new car, fancy kitchen items and lots of cookbooks, plants for my yard, new camera equipment, more fish for dinner, haha!

I cannot bring myself to buy anything over $20 if I'm buying for me. My parents gave me a good amount of money for my birthday and my mom said: "Please spend this on yourself". But I can't do it. Instead I'm putting most of it towards my credit cards, and saving the rest.

I have a goal to be debt free, by the time I'm 25. The way things are going I should be debt free sooner than that if I keep up. Sometimes though I want to get off track. I want to stop paying more than the minimum, and just pay the minimum. I want to take all the extra money we get and buy something nice... Like a fancy mixer or a new car.

Then I remember that having no debt with a little stuff, is a lot better than having lots of stuff, with lots of debt. I'm grateful for a husband that is very wise with money and that is helping me stay on track. I know I'll be grateful when we buy our first car and our first house. I already am grateful that God gives us money to pay our bills and to pay a little more on our credit cards each month. I'm grateful we're able to eat and buy gas. I'm grateful that when we have needs, those are more than met. Although I want more sometimes, God gives me all that I need and never does He give me any less.

He gives me so much more in other ways.

Thoughts on God and the church.

2009-07-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about God and His unconditional mercy and love. I was thinking about how He sent His only Son to die for us... He knew that some wouldn't care, someone would deny this free gift, yet He still did it.

I was thinking about how when Jesus came He told everyone to follow two commandments: Love your God, and love your neighbor. This doesn't mean the other 8 don't count, you see, by following those two, you will follow the other 8. (Matthew 22:36-40)

I was thinking about loving God and how I want to obey Him, honor Him, serve Him. Because I love Him. Those things should come easily, not that they are easy. Then I thought about loving others, and I realized that by doing this I will respect them, I won't want to covet things that are theres, nor would I want to steal from them:)

I thought about how so many times in religions they have rituals and rules. Rules and rituals. But Christianity isn't about the rituals, nor is it about the rules. Its about the relationship. I used to roll my eyes at that, but it comes down to our personal relationship with Jesus and our Father.
We were created to be in relationship with God, and instead of forcing us, He has given us the choice.

(I could go into predestination but I won't because its complicated)

What a loving Father to give us a choice. To let us decide if we will follow and serve Him. He loves us so much that He has left this up to us.

And when we do decide to enter into relationship with Him, then He asks us to simply love Him and others.

People assume that Christianity means no smoking, no drinking, no swearing, no dancing... That there are many rules tied in. But those are things the church has attached to Christianity. I'm not saying its okay, but if you struggle with those things, you are still allowed to know God and be part of the Church. I love that everyone is welcome and there is no criteria you need to meet. When God sent Jesus, He sent Him to the Jews and the Gentiles. We are the Gentiles, we got crafted in. Because Jesus was sent for everyone. (John 3:17)

Everyone is welcome in the Church. I'm trying to remember this.

2009-06-29T09:34:00.001-07:00

The older I get, the more comfortable with myself I become.

The more comfortable with myself I become, the more I appreciate the way I was made.

Best cover of Morrissey's First of the Gang to Die. I love this song so much. And I also love Morrissey. Loved him in the Smiths and love him as a solo artist.

Going back.

2009-06-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to simple living. Back to barefeet and long skirts. Back to playing pretend and dressing up. Back to books and music and philosophy. Back to nature and beauty that comes from God's artwork.

Why is it so easy to get caught up with things that don't matter?

God, You are so good.

So blessed.

2009-06-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so blessed. I get reminded of this when I'm actually able to get a hold of my best friend in South Carolina and we get to pick up where we left off. I'm reminded of this when my husband comes home from work to eat with me instead of his new friends at lunctime. I'm reminded of this when my sweet little baby is teething at night but smiles when mommy tucks her back in. I'm reminded of this when people call me to set up a time to come visit us here in Monterey.

I woke up so excited, despite rocking Riley to sleep early in the morning. I love those moments so I didn't mind. I also got to wake up to lovely text messages from favorite friends.

God, you are always so good

Mourning.

2009-06-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

I've been mourning for the baby I lost. Its hard because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. When it happened my mom tried to talk with me about it but I wasn't ready. Leif has a hard time talking to me about it because he didn't want me to ever go through it. I love him very much. This isn't something I want to discuss on the phone, especially since I get really awkward on the phone. I'd just be super uncomfortable.

I know that it happened for a reason and that God knows. Its just a difficult thing to go through. I knew it would happen eventually, its normal for a woman to have a miscarriage. But I wasn't prepared and I don't think you can be. It hurts when you don't see your baby anymore when you go into the doctor. It hurts when people around you are getting pregnant and get to hear their babies heartbeats. I know that when its time, we'll have another baby. I don't doubt that at all.

I've also learned that amidst death God is still God. And it reminds me that death cannot hold Him. He can take even a situation like this and turn it into good.

Photo blog.

2009-06-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

I started a blog for my photos Les photos et leurs Histoires

flickr isn't enough for me to be able to talk about my photos, and such.

I think this will be helpful for me.

Start following followers.

Just because.

2009-06-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

Read about how we like Monterey so far at the family blog: greenbeansandlittlethings.blogspot.com

Inspired.

2009-06-13T00:47:00.001-07:00

I've been so inspired lately.
By antique china and pleated skirts. By Long Beach and recycled boxes. By oranges and oils.

I'm beginning to feel renewed and refreshed.
I also have been inspired by new friendships.

I want to see this live.

2009-06-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Also, we're behind on packing. Hopefully when Riley goes down for her nap I'll be able to catch us up:)

Answered prayers.

2009-06-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

After a year of waiting on the Lord to tell me which direction to head... He has answered me. I'm so excited.

I've written about how I've been struggling with homosexuality and understanding it. Well God told me to stop worrying about it and to simply tell those that are homosexuals or struggling, that He loves them. Very much. I was reminded of the scene in Milk where Sean Penn's character tells this boy who wants to kill himself that God loves him. It doesn't matter what his sexual orientation is, God still has love and grace for him.

This doesn't mean I'm supporting homosexuality and saying that God is now okay with it. No, the bible is very clear on the matter, but its also clear about God's love. It has no bounds. And my love shouldn't either. I feel called to do some type of ministry. I'm in the process of researching and just praying a lot. Please keep me in your prayers!

2009-06-08T00:10:00.001-07:00

So everyone is getting pregnant now.
I just feel a bit sad about it.

I cannot sleep.

2009-06-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday Leif sent me this link to someones memorial page on facebook. At first I didn't recognize who it was, but then I realized. While I wasn't close with this person it still hurt me. We had talked before, even hung out. We didn't get along always but I still enjoyed her. I had no idea how she died, and tonight I happened to check her memorial page and there was this link. I watched it and cried. I sat here sobbing. I'm really upset and so confused. It hurts me and I can't even begin to imagine how it might hurt her family and friends. This isn't fair, but life isn't fair is it?

I struggle greatly in my faith when it comes to death. I know it must happen but I always think when people are 80, not 24. God, why?

New favorite!

2009-06-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Ruche is my new favorite store. Its similar to Anthropologie but not as pricey. I'm so happy!

Politics.

2009-05-31T03:05:00.001-07:00

I don't like discussing politics with anyone but my husband. He approaches it in such an intelligent calm way. We never argue, even when we disagree. He can make good arguments for both sides. It helps me understand the two majorities and helps me look at all the issues. I wish more people could handle politics the way my husband does. I guess though he's just like that with most things...

This weekend I learned that in an ideal world I would want socialism to take place, not capitalism. But we don't live in an ideal world. So I want to find a balance... There really isn't a balance so we lean towards capitalism. Which I'm okay with. I also learned that while I do not agree with the murder of babies, I might be pro-choice. I'm still sorting through things...

I believe in equal rights. But I'm still struggling with gay marriage. I do not want to impose my beliefs on anyone. Yet, what next if this ever gets overturned? I think I support it. But I'm not sure.

500 Days of Summer

2009-05-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

I love Zooey Deschanel so much. She's so beautiful and her voice... Ah! Amazing. I also thing that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is beautiful. I've loved him since Angels in the Outfield. This movie looks perfect and is going to make summer so much better.

In honor of Zooey here's a She & Him video. So grateful her and M. Ward decided to create wonderful music.

Moving.

2009-05-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am really tired and there is a lot of packing that needs to be done.

I really thought I wanted to stay here in Southern California but I don't. I am ready to leave.

The next 24 days can't go by fast enough!

Here's a video by one of my top 10 bands: Rilo Kiley. I'm in love with Jenny Lewis and I hope that when I'm 33 I look half as good and cool as her. I also love Blake Sennet, the other band leader. They're amazing together and their solo stuff is equally good.

So proud!

2009-05-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

Kevin Scholl Photography.

So one of my friends, Kevin had his art exhibit, Man's Life, open last week at Biola. I've been to a lot of art openings and his was by far, one of the best I've ever been to. That's probably why he might be able to have his own exhibit at an art gallery. Eek! Here are my favorites that he did:)

So proud.

Summer List.

2009-05-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

This is my original summer list:)! And this is the updated version for Megan's Live List!

Train rides.
Beach trips with floppy hats
Finding new music that changes my outlook on life
Volunteering
Dancing
Polariods of favorite things
Picnics in different places
Face Painting
Sewing curtains and seat cushions
Lemonade stands & bake sales
Slumber parties in the living room
Teaching Riley sign language
Hiking & visiting forests!
Being barefoot as much as possible
Cake baking!
Finding a cave
Dates with Leif
Dying my hair with henna
Movie marathons
Laying in a field of flowers... Somewhere.
Aquarium trip!
Buy a fish
BBQ party
Celebrate my birthday in style, 22years is a big deal
Take Leif to the Zoo since he loves it so
Work on my Belle & Sebastian photoshoot
Get some more lessons in photography
Go to different Farmers Markets
Learn to live more healthy and organically
Also, I want to be on this website: LOOKBOOK.nu

I'll probably keep adding to this list but for the mean time this is what I have!

Music!

2009-05-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

Stars is recording in the studio again! You have no idea how happy I am right now.
They changed my life the first time I listened to them... And my life has only gotten better each time I listen to them. One of the best dates I ever had was when Leif surprised me and took me to see them. It was like seeing Ben Gibbard but different. Both were experiences I remember so clearly: With him I stood there unable to move amazed at every word he sang, in awe of every movement he made. With Stars, I stood up and danced by myself and sang every word. That is love and beauty. That was perfection at its finest.

That is what music should do to a person. Transform you.

*Plus I got to listen to the new Wilco album today... I liked it.

Lovely Photos!

2009-05-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

Please check out this photostream: Perfection.
And a tribute to Amelie:)! If we have another girl we're naming her Amelie.
These are the kind of photos I wish I could take. Ugh why must polaroid be so dumb.

I have been inspired.

letter writing

2009-05-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

I owe some of you letters.
I'm thinking of waiting until I move to write them though.
I've been organizing and beginning to pack.

Pray for me. I've been crying a lot.
This is a big step I'm about to take.
I welcome adventures, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared.

2009-05-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm counting down the days until we move.
I'm ready.
But I'm not.

I've decided that I will start packing tonight.
Leif and I have been apartment hunting and house hunting. Why is it I could own a house in Oregon but not here in California? Ridiculous.

I really want to be in Oregon. I love the lifestyle and I love the idea of being closer to this lady:

I mean who wouldn't want to gallivant around Seattle with her? You know I'll be spending weekends up there with her and other good friends. I asked her to sing the Train Song cause its a beautiful song, and she recorded this for me right before work. Um, I know I've encouraged people to read her blog, but really, do it! Here. And from there check out her other 7 websites that feature her music and art and loveliness.

Brilliant

2009-05-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

Duston Todd Photography

I follow this blog, A Cup of Jo, that helps open my eyes to all things beautiful and creative and lovely. And that is how I found Duston Todd. He had just taken these adorable engagement photos that I found very creative and refreshing. I can't say I like ALL his photos, but I fell in love with a good amount of them. I wish he could take photos of Leif and I. I feel like we would have a lot of fun and laugh a lot. Sadly though he's in Utah. Blech. Haha.

But check out his website and his blog! So fun!

Feathers & Summertime.

2009-05-06T10:43:00.001-07:00

I love feathers. I wish I wore them more. I think I'll buy these feather clips from Urban to put in Riley's hair. I love her hair. I love her curls. I like my curls too. I hope all my children have curls.

I think this summer will be good. No matter where Leif and I end up it'll be an adventure. Hopefully I'll take lots of pictures, mostly polaroids. Instant is better. :) I'm looking forward to Riley being even more active during the summer. Crawling and using her hands to talk to me. I plan on many trips to the beach, wearing big hats, face painting, lemonade stands & bake sales with Maddy if I live in Oregon this summer, wearing no shoes, lots of yoga, dancing with Riley, cooking more, cake baking, sewing curtains and seat cushions, hiking and visiting forests. . So much so much to do!

If I live in Oregon I'll have a garden! If my mother in law will let me.
Honestly I want to end up in Oregon because I want to live as simple as possible. I want to get away from "lots of things" for awhile. I want to live with very little. I want to be humbled daily.
And I want to buy this headpiece

Updated Summer List

To be a good wife.

2009-05-03T22:13:00.001-07:00

Before I was a mother I was a wife. And although I'm a mother now I am still a wife. That is my first priority. Some people put their children first, then their husbands, I put my husband first, then my child.

When I say that it doesn't mean I neglect my child to take care of Leif. No, not at all. But this does mean that my husband does not get ignored nor pushed to the back burner. The one that gets pushed to the back would be me, totally fine. This is not the point of the post though, wither my husband is first or not. The point of this is to explain what being a good wife is, to me.

Now, I want to be the best wife I can be to my husband. When I think of a good wife I think of Provers 31, I think of my mother, I think of women within my church, I think of Leif's mother, I think of my sister in law, and so forth. I think of a woman who is willing to serve, not just willing but with a cheerful heart, with excitment. Serve her Father and her husband. I think of a woman who submits when submission is called for, and with a cheerful heart. I think of a woman who prays constantly for her husband and for her marriage. I think of a woman who puts the time and effort into the marriage because a marriage cannot survive without God, or the effort. Love is helpful but not the only thing that can make a marriage work.

Being a good wife to me means pursuing God with all that I am and giving myself to Him completely before giving myself to my husband. Since I've really begun to live like this, my attitude towards Leif and my role as a wife has changed. For the last month Leif has woken up to breakfast and come home to dinner. Those are things that make him happy. I've been praying with Leif more and trying to encourage him whenever I can. I remind him that I love him and I really make an effort to spend time with just Leif. I've been more patient and understanding. I've been biting my tongue and not talking back when is not needed. I've been attempting to listen more and talk less :) I struggle with that. And I really struggle with having an attitude and God has been thankfully helping me with that.

Leif thanked me the other day and it meant a lot that he had noticed the change. That's encouraging for me. He's such a good husband to me, he deserves so much more. Some days are easier and others are harder. I'm loving the way our marriage has changed and the way God has blessed us. I've always grown closer to God because of this pursuing I've been doing it and its wonderful. He's such a wonderful Father!

Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl

2009-04-30T14:08:00.001-07:00

I love this song but I don't really appreciate this video. I usually like BSS's videos... Oh well.

Choices.

2009-04-29T10:11:00.001-07:00

I called my mom yesterday crying because we got bad news from Leif's job. She told me I had a choice. I could sit and mope or I could decide to let God handle this. I wanted to mope. But she prayed for Leif and I and I changed my mind... I wanted to let God be in control. He's so much better at it than I am.

I woke up with so much peace today. I can't even explain. Yesterday I was consumed by fear and worry, today, its all gone. I know God is good. I also know He is faithful and will take care of us.

Amen.

We can handle this.

2009-04-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

"God never gives us more than we can handle". Someone told me that tonight. So grateful they did.

I have a peace I didn't have earlier today. God is giving me strength and helping me support my husband because he needs all the support he can get right now.

I feel as if God has been preparing me for this time in our lives.

Decisions.

2009-04-27T12:23:00.001-07:00

I just got an email from Warner Brothers asking me if I was still interested in the internship. I'm not sure what to do now. This pregnancy is so unexpected. I didn't think I was that fertile. Maybe getting pregnant twice on the pill last year should have been a sign?

I'm very confused by everything that is happening and I'm trying to rest in the fact that God has a plan for me. I just don't see it and wish I could. I don't understand and that worries me. I'm also struggling with the fact that I don't think I'm prepared enough or strong enough to be a mommy-of-two. The pregnancy test is just sitting here staring up at me, reminding me that my life just changed in a big way.

I'm afraid.
&I'm almost bummed in a way. I hate feeling like that, but its true. I'm praying that my feelings begin to change. That I will feel as excited and happy, as I did with Riley. Maybe when things have settled and set in. All the way. Its still hitting me.

Pray for me.

God is so good.

2009-04-19T23:31:00.001-07:00

God is so good.
God is so good.
God is so good.
He's so good to me.

We used to sing that when I was in preschool at Church. I still sing it because while its simple its so true and a wonderful reminder.

Be blessed.

I am Fasting.

2009-04-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

I enjoy fasting. It always brings me closer to God and makes my walk with Him so much better.

I do it whenever something begins to take the place of God in my life. When things become idols. I remember when I had to fast from music because it consumed my life the way God was suppose to. Then tv. Then movies. Now my computer and the internet. I've never really fasted from the internet... I've felt like I should for awhile now but I keep finding reasons not to.

I have decided that I need to just do it. I used to live without the internet so why can't I now? It has become an addiction and I don't like that. Its hindering me from pursuing God the way I want to. He has been doing so much in my life that I will share about when I'm done fasting.

I'm not giving myself a time limit. I'm going to do this for however long I need to. God is doing so much in me right now and I'm so willing to do whatever He wants me to do.

I am excited to go back to a simpler way of living. Someone made a comment to me about how that's what I'm all about: doing things in a simple way and keeping things simple. I find the most beauty in the simple parts of life. I'm so excited and ready to learn. This will also force me to call people and write letter. Yes!

Keep me in your prayers please:) God is so good. My fast starts tomorrow!

Eek.

2009-04-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

I had a job interview yesterday. At Warner Brothers. In the music sales department. I was so excited. I would love to pursue a career in music. I really would like to work for a non-profit planning music and art benefits... I feel like this would help open up some doors for that to be possible. Because I've decided to throw myself back out there and pursue some dreams, having other children has been put on hold. I never thought I would want to put having more kids on hold, but ever since I started praying about working again I feel its the right thing to do. I'm excited about it.

I'm also going back to school this summer and hiring my sister to watch Riley a few times a week. It works out well for both of us. She needs a job, and I need to be in school. I'm looking forward to everything this summer will bring!

I'm praying that this will work out, but I really only want this to work out if its in God's plan for me. Say a prayer for me today:)

Another early morning.

2009-03-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

Although I've been losing sleep, I've been enjoying my early mornings by myself. Its like a break from life for me. I get to sit and pray, sit and think, sit and pray some more. Mostly pray though. I spend a lot of my time praying. I think its important. I believe in prayer. Its a way for me to speak with my Father openly and honestly. I try to do it through out my day. Its a good reminder that God is always with me, even when I'm changing dirty diapers.

My prayers lately have mostly consisted of me thanking God. I'm in constant amazement of His grace and love. I've also been asking that God gives me patience. Not just with Him and waiting on Him, but with even the little things. Like being patient with Leif. I lose my temper with him a lot. I get impatient with cooking, with cleaning, with driving, with wii... If it doesn't work right away the way I would like then I get upset and frustrated. The same goes for whenever I don't get an answer from God. While I was pregnant I spent many a day on my knees begging God literally to show me what He wanted for me. I never really got an answer. I'm still waiting. I've simply been told that I need to expect great things but to wait. sfdkljsdf;oijkldfgljdfgljdo

Irritating.
I think I see a little progress though. And the praying helps me remain patient. So does reading the word. Which I should do when I finish this.

Finished.

OH!

2009-03-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

I never thank the people that read my blog and the ones who comment! Thank you thank you thank you. I really appreciate the time you put into reading my ramblings and the time you take to write me a little comment. It means the world to me:) I hope you all know this. Thank you for blessing my life and making it a bit better!

2009-03-29T04:53:00.001-07:00

I can't sleep because I have allergies and they like to attack at night:) Although I love my sleep I take this time to blog, catch up on messages and emails, edit photos, research things (especially natural hair) and eat some food. A girl made a comment to me today at a baby shower, that kind of threw me off... I know she meant what she said as a joke but I was still bothered a little. We were talking about being stay-at-home-mothers and she was sharing how she bakes all the time. I don't bake. Nor do I really cook. I also don't do laundry. I clean sometimes though. My husband does the rest. She then proceeded to tell me he's going to wake up a month from now and wonder why he married me. I laughed. But I didn't like what she said. One, is he really? And two, cause it hurt my feelings. I could be a better wife. I know this. I could bake and cook and clean. And I try to. I just like spending my time doing other things, like playing with Riley or playing with my camera.

Her comment got me thinking though, I could try harder. I will. Ah, another challenge for myself! But the real reason I posted this story was because her comment also reminded me that, I am married to a wonderful man. Blessed I am. I don't deserve him yet he's my husband. God loves me. A lot. My marriage is evidence of God and His love for Leif and I.

So here I am writing my husband a letter:) Similar to the ones I used to write when we were apart the summer after we started dating. Why did I stop writing letters to him? Just because we got married? What a terrible and lazy reason. I think that you all should write a letter to someone you love, no matter who it is.

About having mommy friends

2009-03-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

I think I've changed my mind about that. Most mothers I've been meeting bore the hell out of me.

Can we please talk about something other than our children? Seriously? I love my baby, I do. And I'm sure you love yours. But really do we need to keep comparing birth stories? And how much are babies weigh and eat? That gets annoying after awhile.

I thought that having a baby would change my relationships and it has. My relationships with friends who don't have children are only getting better.

Currently I'm dreading play dates. Someone prove to me that having mommy friends isn't boring and lame. That we can talk about other things besides our children and being mommy please. I feel like there is more to life...

Broken Social Scene

2009-03-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

I'm on a Broken Social Scene kick. They're in my top 5 bands. I love me some Kevin Drew and Brendan Canning. I posted a video by Brendan Canning with Kevin Drew on my family blog.

OBSESSED.

Passion.

2009-03-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

My passion has returned. And I'm praying and asking God to keep it going.

I'm so excited right now. God is so good. My heart is so full.

I'm in love with my Maker in a way I haven't been in months. Almost a year.

He's working in my heart. Changing the way I look at things, especially my relationship with Him.

He's bringing wonderful people in my life and showing me that some people have been here all along.

I'm spending a lot more time praying and reading the word. Reading the word and praying. I'm not getting enough.

Isn't that how it should be though? Never being satisfied with what you learn and with God. I want so much more and I'm diving head first.

It feels amazing and I've missed my Father. Yes, I know I've always loved Him, but our relationship has changed for the better.

I'm pursuing with all my heart and all my strength.

2009-03-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been having this deep desire to go deeper into God's word and to spend a lot more time with Him. I'm not getting satisfied. I need more. Constantly.

He's really working in my life, starting with my heart.

I will elaborate on this later:)

Homosexuality and Christianity

2009-03-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm really struggling here with knowing how to approach homosexuality from a Christian point of view. I know what the bible tells us, but I'm still confused.

I've been having a hard time with this for awhile now. About a year. I can understand being gay and not knowing God or knowing His word... But what about when you know what the bible says and you know how God feels about it. Will you continue to choose to live in a way that isn't pleasing to God, while serving Him? That confuses me.

Last night one of my best friends came out to Leif and I. We both knew but we wanted to wait to give him the chance to tell us himself. I was relieved when he finally told us. I was proud of him. And I love him even more because of it. Then Leif asked the question I was dying to ask: "well what about God and what the bible says". Our friends response was basically: "The bible says that woman can't do certain things yet we allow them to do it now. So I'm hoping that being gay is along those lines... but I don't think it is".

For me its hard to choose something that would hurt God, on purpose for my own pleasure. I know that being gay is a lot different than choosing to lie or steal. In God's eyes though the sin is equal. I think struggling with homosexuality is a lot harder than most sins.

What I want to know is, will God still let those who live the gay lifestyle but believe in Him, have accepted His son and all, into heaven? But if that's the case then we could all just continue to sin and expect to get into heaven. Because by being gay that's living a sinful lifestyle.

It hurts my heart because I love my friends. I want them to go to heaven. I want them to love and serve God the way He's intended to be loved and served. I'm so torn on what to think. I believe my God is fair and just. I do not believe He is cruel. But sometimes I wonder... And I don't understand why some people must suffer more than others.

Then that brings me back to the whole pre-election debate... Which I would rather not go into.

Please pray for me.

On a happy note now we can be Will & Grace like I've been waiting for:)

Twitter

2009-03-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

I joined Twitter just so I can stalk Ellen.

Sad.

Photography.

2009-03-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say my new and latest hobby is photography. Is that being trendy? I hope not. I feel like I'm like all other stay at home mom's, taking up photography and photographing my kid, and then maybe others? Its also pretty hip amongst the scene I tend to associate myself with. (I cringed when I wrote that... I hate that I'm kind of part of a scene)

But then again, I guess its not a bad trend. Its quite fun actually.

I'm enjoying letting things inspire me then trying to capture it somehow in a photo. Of course I practice on Riley but I don't want to be limited to children photography. Its too... soft... for me. I want to shoot stuff that is... edgier? I don't know. But I'm trying to practice on Leif. And other people I know. Oh and myself.

I don't see this as a career in no way. My heart is in missions and non-profit. Lord willing I'll be able to go into that.

No, I see this as a hobby. Something to do in my spare time, on the side. Something to keep me occupied. Its all for fun. I don't take it seriously. Yes, I am trying to improve, but for my own sake. Not for others. I do not intend on being a photographer and making money off of it. Because really, I suck. I can admit it. I hate hate hate when people suck, yet start a business and somehow make money? Sucking?

I wish I could be as good as Melissa or as creative as Shannon. Or brave and crazy like Megan. Or shoot if I could come close to what a lot of the art majors do... I would be happy, haha! Honestly, I would just shoot with a polaroid camera if the damn company wouldn't go out of business. Or film if it wasn't so expensive. Digital has lots of advantages though...

Really though, I'm content with the work I do. Leif loves it. My mom loves it. My mother in law loves it. That's enough for me:) I'm flattered that my MIL has asked me to take pictures of Gretchen and Maddy, my two sister in laws. I'm excited to cause it'll be fun and I'm coming up with all these great ideas.

So. I'm going to keep being inspired. Keep learning new things. Keep watching my photoshop tutorials. And I'll keep having fun. Cause really that's why I started in the first place.

2009-03-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more mommy friends.

I'm not very good at communicating.

2009-03-10T08:30:00.001-07:00

I do not return phone calls usually.
It takes me a long time to write back to emails.
I do not respond to letters or cards.

I do not like to make calls.
I do not really write emails.
I no longer write letters or cards.

I used to call people all the time.
I used to write long emails.
I used to send countless letters and cards for fun.

What happened?
Can I change this?
I was thinking about this the other day... The extent of my communication is text messaging.
Maybe that's my problem. I don't think I need to communicate any other way when I could just text.
I don't think text messages are that loving though... Sure they are appreciated, but a letter, or email or phone call means so much more. At least to me.

Some stuff happened to two girls I love very much this past week.
It made me realize I needed to call and show my love.
I made Brittney a package, but have yet to send it.
I will do that this week. I will also include the perfect letter.

My sister and mom send me cards all the time, this month I will send them each a card.

I will also make phone calls. I HATE HATE HATE the phone but I'm going to get over that.

I like how this blog has become a documentation of me changing.

About me?

2009-03-05T11:10:00.001-08:00

I like having brown eyes.
I like to wear my jeans with white v-necks and brown sandles.
I also enjoy my TOMs.
Big earrings are my new favorite. But only if they're from World Market or hand-made.
I love World Market. When I get my house everything will come from that store. Actually, I don't need to wait until I have a house.
I also love Trader Joes and Whole Foods. I enjoy being healthy. And natural.
Yet I also enjoy a cigarette here and there.
With a Fat Tire. No hard stuff please.
Champagne is fun to. I'm no lush though.
I like to make my own skin products. I have sensitive skin, and I don't trust a lot of products.
I always grow out my eyebrows then wax them again.
I want to eat oatmeal and cream of wheat everyday. With flaxseed.
I think I'm pretty when I'm by myself but not around other people.
I hate sitting up straight.
I say I don't believe in Karma but I think I just might.
I know I like better music than most people. I dislike people with bad taste in music. I try not to hate but I can't help it...
I love God but I have a lot of questions. I know He's good.
I adore red hair. And freckles. I want Leif and Riley to have freckles. I have a few.
I wear the same things over and over. I like what's familiar.
But I also like to throw in something very un-familiar to throw myself off.

And when I say that I mean I'll throw in anything. I like life to always surprise me.

Yet another challenge.

2009-03-04T09:13:00.000-08:00

We moved this weekend. I don't like moving... But that is not the point of this post.

I was putting away all our books, and I realized that Leif and I used to read a lot. I guess we didn't read that much while we were dating but before then. We have a lot of books, good books. I miss the reading. I don't know why we ever stopped. We both enjoy it and like being able to discuss what we read.

I do not want to forget about reading all together just because I am getting older and time is becoming more scarce. I will make time. I can make time. It is not impossible.

So this has prompted a new challenge. Leif and I are going to read a book every month. Not the same one, different ones. I wish I could say we'll read one every week or every other, but right now I don't think we could swing that.

Pregnancy Tests.

2009-02-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

So I took a pregnancy test tonight. Half of me was hoping it would be positive while the other half of me was PRAYING it would be negative. It was negative. I'm still paranoid though because this time last year I got pregnant. The first time I took the test it was negative then five days later I had a dream as did Leif, that I was pregnant so I took another and voila: It was positive.

Although I want to be pregnant again in a few months, right now is not the time. At least I don't think it is. God might have other plans?

I think its kind of disappointing when you don't get that plus sign or "Pregnant" on the test. Even when you're hoping you're not pregnant, its still kind of a let down. That's kind of how I felt for a minute or two, but then I was relieved:) Hopefully in a few months I'll have a positive test.

I'm just having one of those days...

2009-02-25T13:34:00.000-08:00

I want to do the right thing... Which would be the wise thing.

I gave up my car to save money.
I gave up school to save money.
I gave up going out to save money.
I'm giving up my apartment to save money.

YET THERE IS NO MONEY SAVED BECAUSE OF DEBT!
Some days I just don't know what to do.

In the long wrong this is what's best. But today I don't want it to be whats best.

I want to have two cars so I can have a bit more freedom to go places.
I want to go back to school because I want my degree.
I want to go out more often.
I want to stay in my big apartment.

I'm being a bit of a baby I know. But I hate growing up sometimes.

Another Challenge.

2009-02-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

I am trying to constantly challenge myself. To be better, to grow, to learn...

Currently I'm challenging myself to dive deeper into the word. To get as much as I can out of it, during each devotion time.

I'm expecting great results:) Lots and lots of growth and wisdom.

I'm coming back...

2009-01-20T02:56:00.000-08:00

I'm going to try to write in this blog more often. But in the meantime enjoy my blog, the family one: Green Beans and Little Things.

That's all:)

Another blog!

2008-11-15T21:08:00.001-08:00

Leif and I are starting a blog:) We want to document our new lives as parents and being married and other random things we love... I'll still blog here every once in awhile but probably more frequently in the other:

Green Beans and Little Things

Quest: To be a better woman.

2008-10-28T15:32:00.000-07:00

So lately I've been praying and spending a lot more time in the word. I'm at a place where I want to be a better woman, one that is of God and serves Him alone. I want to be a better woman because I want to be all that God has for me. I want to be the wife my husband deserves. The mother my daughter deserves. The daughter, sister, friend... That the people in my life deserve. Even the stranger. I'm challenging myself, everyday. I want to be closer to God in every way possible. I want to constantly be in His presence. I want to always be growing and learning.

My first challenge for a month: Finding the blessings in everyday. Thanking God for those and dwelling on His goodness.

37 Days.

2008-10-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

My due date is November 22. That is in 37 days. I am counting down. I know I'm excited, but I know I'm also scared. I know I want time to go slow but I know at the same time, I want it to go fast. I know my life is going to change and I think I'm ready but then again, I don't know if I am. Are you ever ready?

I do know though that I can't wait to meet my little girl.

Metro Trips

2008-10-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

So my new favorite thing to do is take the Metro to LA. I think its great fun:)
I've gone twice in the last few weeks. I'm ready for another trip!

I'm in love.

2008-09-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

I already think that my daughter is the most beautiful person in the world.
I already love her more than anything.
I already think she's the most perfect thing I've ever seen.

Leif and I made her! How did we make something so wonderful?
God is amazing. We wouldn't have been able to do this without Him.
This whole pregnancy has brought me closer to Him.
Everyday it becomes more real that I'm going to be a mother... Soon I'm going to be raising a child.
I don't want to fail.
I'm anxious, scared, nervous, excited.
I want her to be here right now, but at the same time I want her to take her time.

I can't wait until I hold her for the first time.
I really can't wait until Leif holds her for the first time.

Family Dinner

2008-09-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

So two weeks ago we had a family dinner. It was a lot of fun Everyone brought something to share. Leif and I made Chicken Parmesan, while Sarah, Jerelyn and Curtis brought noodles and veggies. Skyler, Kelsey, Jaclyn and Julie all brought dessert. It was great having everyone cooking in the kitchen and contributing. After dinner we sat around outside drinking wine and smoking a bit. (Well I didn't of course...) Then we all ventured out on a walk. I would say the night was really good and everyone enjoyed themselves:)

My pregnancy so far...

2008-09-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

March 17, 2008. When I first found out.

At 19 weeks in June.

At 23 weeks in July.

At 27 weeks in August.

2008-08-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

I would love a change of scenery.

Summer is coming to a close.

2008-08-13T09:19:00.001-07:00

And I couldn't be happier. I miss my friends so much. I can't wait until everyone is back in one place. I'm not too sure how I spent this summer, not really how I planned, but it was good. It wasn't amazing like pasts summers, but it didn't suck either. I wish I could have read a lot more. Or did some art projects. I wish I could have used my longboard. Or at least gone to Venice a few times. Instead I spent a lot of time literally on the floor. With my face down. I've never been so tried or frustrated in my life. I've never been this upset and angry with God. Its weird though because usually when I get to a place like this I want to give up... but I didn't really want to. I want to ride this out. I want to see where God brings me. I would appreciate the answers now though.

I'm still in this hard place. I honestly don't see a way out. Its discouraging from time to time. Yet, somehow I still have some faith. I'm clinging on to knowing that "God is good. All the time". That gets me through a lot. Constantly reminding myself how good and wonderful He is. I don't know why this is taking so long, and my patience is slowly starting to fade. But I'm comforted by knowing that tomorrow is a new day.

Why I love Buddhists.

2008-06-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

Buddhist couple vows to stay within 15 feet of each other...always.

I'm not sure I could do that, but theres something beautiful and pure about what they've decided to do. Last year I visited a Buddhist temple a few times and fell in love. It was so moving to see people enter into the temple with such reverence and respect. The kind I wish I had when I entered a church, a place to worship God. They took it so seriously. They truly believed in Buddha and what he could do for them. It made me stop and wonder why I didn't act like they did when I was at church. I talked to a few Buddhist and their outlook on life was so positive. It hurt because I wanted that but after researching more about the roots of Buddhism it doesn't make sense. But at the same time it does.

Its a very giving, loving, kind religion. It always intrigues me.

This is a writers account of what happened when his wife and him tried what the Buddhist did: Here.

Summertime.

2008-06-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a lonely summer. Everyone is heading out, or has headed out. I'm bummed.
I think everyone is going to come back having helped changed the world. And I will have just gained a million pounds.

I think I'm also bummed because I'm reminded how I was suppose to be doing my internship this summer. I'm jealous of everyone that doesn't have obligations back here. I just want to be out there, doing things with my hands, contributing to others. I think though, that I'm more excited for everyone else then sorry for myself...cause its not like having a baby is something tragic. Its actually something pretty amazing. So I guess at the same time I'm really grateful for what God's given me.

2008-06-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been reading Psalms over and over. Every time I read it, I learn something new. Today I read out loud to myself. Slowly. I wanted to really listen to the words. After I stood up and couldn't move. I was amazed by God and how wonderful He is.

Thats all.

By the way

2008-02-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

Check out this blog:

Face Hunter.

Currently

2008-02-18T11:45:00.000-08:00

My life consists of cardigans, scrabble, unfinished books, a journal that needs more words in it...and a little bit of hope. Not much, but just enough I think.

Beauty. I desire it so bad. It's painful how bad I want it. My idea of beauty is a life filled with books, writing, art, music...intellect...Things that truly touch the soul. I'm aching for this kind of beauty. I once wrote a letter, a lovely letter at that. It was the best letter I have ever written. It was pages and pages, quotes and songs, Psalms...It was all about striving for beauty. My favorite quote was "In the woods is perpetual youth" from Emerson's Nature. I wish I could have that letter back.

We have these minds that are such a gift, and all these opportunities to learn more. There is so much I want to learn, so much I want to know. I brought a million books to school to read them and re read them. I want to get through my Shakespeare book, which is probably one of the best gifts I have ever received. I love my book on grammar, but want to study it more. I want to go back to the Buddhist temple and just sit and watch the people praying. I like the peace I felt when I was there. I don't understand why I don't have that peace within a church.

I want to go back to the way I was. I don't want to get too comfortable where I am right now.

God has blessed me

2007-10-23T08:34:00.001-07:00

Jaclyn is one of the most beautiful people I know and our friendship is growing so much.
God is good, all the time=)
I've needed a friend like her.

It's official.

2007-10-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm engaged.

I'm getting married next Fall. =)

At this moment

2007-09-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

Life is so perfect and beautiful.
God is good...all the time.

C.S Lewis

2007-03-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

[On the topic of Heaven being our reward]

We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something
that has never actually appeared in our experience.
We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we
betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.

::sigh::

2006-11-27T13:01:00.001-08:00

His love is so refreshing.

I am bitter.

2006-11-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

I wish I wasn't but I am.

Pray for me. I don't think I've ever been hurt like this before...

Beauty.

2006-11-19T02:57:00.000-08:00

I've been in such a weird place. I entered school not caring one bit about how I looked or came across. My only concern was school and getting good grades. But as school is winding down I'm becoming more concerned about how I look, constantly comparing myself to other people, mostly girls...beautiful ones. I'm neglecting my schoolwork because I'm scared I'm not good enough for some boy to actually be attracted to me. I despise girls who think like that but now that I take a step back and look at the past few weeks I'm disgusted with myself. How could I become that which I disliked so much? How?

I am reminded of a message Pastor Alex once gave about how satan uses our weakness to tempt us, to lead us away and distract us from God. My weakness is my self-esteem. I was almost in a good place. Not really caring and being content with the way God made me...But its like I lingered a little too long in front of the mirror...Then a little more time on thinking about what I was going to wear and trying things on instead of spending time in the word...Actually making an effort to apply makeup, although I don't really enjoy wearing it...Beginning to compare myself to every girl and tear myself down over and over...satan used another weakness. Certain boys from my past. Boys that really left bruises and scars. Everytime I would see these boys I would be reminded about how I wasn't good enough, and I would be left with those thoughts. Thoughts that I would just go over and over with. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't pretty enough. My past seemed to be something that was coming up more and more, slapping me in the face and making me dislike myself even more. I blamed my past for ruining relationships and basically ruining my life.

This last week though I wanted to catch up on my bible reading so every spare moment was spent reading God's word. My heart was humbled and my spirit was refreshed. And finally my eyes were opened again. I remembered the real beauty that I wanted and was working towards. The beauty that came from the heart, from the heart that was simply devoted to serving Jesus. I want someone to be attracted to that and that alone. After being reminded of this I felt as if all the stress and worry about how I looked or acted was removed. God made me. I am beautiful to Him. Thats all that matters. Inner beauty is what I desire more than anything.

It is not an easy journey but God is so good and so patient. I am trying to learn that in His sight I am beautiful and loved. No matter what I say or do I am still adored by Him. He doesn't care about my past or let that stop Him from pursuing me.

Basically Proverbs 31 is what I am striving for.

I just want to please Him in all I do. In all I say. I want to serve Him. I want that to be my only concern.

I do believe that I will be leaving this semester the way I entered and that makes me happy. God is so good and I want to stay focused on Him.

When will the rain pour?

2006-11-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

so I can sleep in and not feel bad. So I can listen to Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Death Cab for Cutie. I want to watch the rain from my window. I want to watch a long movie still in my pajamas with a blanket wrapped around me. Later I would dance through some puddles. I wouldn't need a jacket or shoes. Barefoot is how I like to enjoy the rain. The smell of rain is amazing. I like to stand with my arms spread out just inviting the rain. Its my favorite time to pray to God. So much beauty is seen through the rain...Hes amazing.

Lord, let it rain.

This is true for me.

2006-11-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

So many times I've tried to write something that will reach someone,anyone, help them in some way, encourage them in some way...usually I fail. Well always. But then sometimes I write from just my heart. From an experience I've had. About a person I've met who has blessed me. God. I don't write for anyone but for myself...to be honest with myself. Those are the times people respond. Its like what you've written is what they've been trying to say all along. They've wanted to be honest but they didn't have the words. What you've written are the words they've been trying to form. Words they've needed to hear. Words that encourage them.

Those times are the greatest times. You've blessed someone without trying to. You've helped someone even when you were just trying to help yourself.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...

When I go to New York

2006-10-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

I want to do this.
Give peace a chance kids.

2006-10-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Do you just have those weeks that you feel alone?
Like no one else is really there?
Well thats what my past few weeks have felt like
But it doesn't really bother me...
Because its like these past few weeks I've fallen more in love with God

Thats all I had to say.

=)

2006-09-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

I love my sister.

Willingness and Readiness to Know God More

2006-09-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

"Once you have come to believe God, you demonstrate your faith by what you do. Some action is required...You cannot continue life as usual or stay where you are, and go with God at the same time...To go from your ways, thoughts, and purposes to God's will always requires a major adjustment. God may require adjustments in your circumstances, relationships, thinking, commitments, actions, and beliefs. Once you have made the necessary adjustments you can follow God in obedience. Keep in mind-the God who calls you is also the One who will enable you to do His will."-Henry Blackaby and Calaude King...Experiencing God

So this is love...

2006-08-27T02:21:00.000-07:00

simply my best friend Jesus =]