Post Partum Depression.

Last week I started therapy and I found out that I was suffering from depression. Something I had thought I might have but wasn't sure.  I realized recently that I have no idea who I am as a person. I've been pregnant and raising babies for the last few years that it became my identity. I'm in this process of figuring out who I am without pregnancy and without a baby thats dependent on me 24/7.  I think thats why I'm almost mourning the fact that my son is no longer a baby... Everyday he becomes more dependent and would rather spend time with his sister than me.  That's also why I think I'm ready to have another baby. 

  I remember looking forward to this time in my life, being able to do things I wasn't able to for two years. Yet, I find myself here and I'm at a loss.  How do you tell your friends and family that you're sad, but you're not sure why you're sad? I have ideas and reasons why I could be sad, but I can't place my finger on it. That's frustrating to me. I'm usually really good with sorting feelings and figuring things like this out. But I've finally reached a point where I'm tired, and I need help from someone.  

 My therapist says that my depression probably stems from the fact that I'm overwhelmed. But then I look at other moms and they don't seem or act overwhelmed and while I know that depression isn't a sign of weakness... I can't help but think I have become weak.  I cannot be weak because I'm a wife, a mother, a best friend, a sister, and a daughter. I have people that count on me constantly for many things and its tiring. I felt as if I had no one to confide in and count on because what I'm carrying is heavy and I don't expect my friends and family to carry that with me. 

  I'm relieved and starting to make changes. My mom knows me so well and mentioned this to me when Beck was born but I didn't listen, because I thought I'd be fine. I'm not fine and I'm okay admitting that :) I remember trying to express to Leif my feelings and knowing he felt that it was partly his fault. Its not. I think its part of life and part of transitioning. I think my personality plays a big part in this to. A few weeks ago I wrote about how I feel everything and I take on everything, this is a result of that.  Before I go on anything my therapist wants to work on coping methods for my anxiety. Starting with exercise. Something I've stopped doing because I've had no motivation to. Which is odd because thats part of who I am.  My therapist has also encouraged me to continue my baking and cooking because it helps with my anxiety.  

  Besides that Leif and I have decided to commit to a church in the area and I've begun doing their Womens Bible Study. Its already impacted me a lot and I'm amazed at what I've been learning these past few weeks!  I'm liking the changes :)

 Phew, I feel good that I've shared this and been vulnerable for a bit.

[this is also why I haven't blogged in awhile!]

NEW!

Starting a new blog to document things I find... I think people are tired of all the things I link to on facebook: new blogspot!

GO FOLLOW FRIENDS!

My heart is full.
I was humbled and blessed this week.
My spirit is renewed.

Gold shoes make any outfit so much better.

Faith.

I'm learning to step out and have faith. To be confident in my Father and His direction in my life.
I think I have been struggling with having confidence in myself because I wasn't putting faith in the one who I follow and depend on.

I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life to encourage me and be reminders of His grace and love.

I can't begin to count the ways God has blessed my life.

I've been feeling challenged by God. He's been asking me to simply trust Him.  I am going to.

I called my mom yesterday on my way to the gym and she answered the phone singing: "Has anyone told you I loved you today"

It made my night.

I love my mom and our conversations. I love hearing that she prays for me. I need so much prayer! Always:)

Having two children has put a strain on my marriage. Leif and I are learning how to work through this. Its difficult and sometimes I just want to give up. That'd be too easy. God's helping us and we're learning so much.

The Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good. They hope, by being good, to please God if there is one; or — if they think there is not — at least they hope to deserve approval from good men. But the Christian thinks any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him. He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us; just as the roof of a greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, but becomes bright because the sun shines on it.

C.S. Lewis

Goodness.

Leif and I watched this dvd the other night. I want to watch it again tonight. This song is brilliant. Jim James is brilliant.

Why don't more people appreciate good music?

I'm laying in bed watching this video over and over. It reminds me of Leif, dancing, and rainy nights. I'm reminded of God and His blessings.

I'd like to teach my daughter that being a woman means she deserves to be loved and honored. Respected and adored. She can do whatever she sets her mind to.

I want her to know that God created her for a certain role and whoever she marries was created for a specific role. One of those roles, to cherish her, protect her, and love her the way Christ loves the church.

I'm thankful for Leif who will be able to give her an example of what a godly man looks like. I hope that I'll be a good example of a godly woman for her.

Everyday it becomes more evident why God has moved us here to Monterey.
Everyday I become more okay with living here longer than planned.
God is good

Change my heart.

Lord, please change my heart.

Records.

Recently I read through my livejournal. I started it I think back in 2004... I update it now and then but mostly with about 5 words or less. I'm so happy I kept that journal. I got my first diary when I was 8 and continued to write almost everyday until I was in highschool. Then my best friend told me about livejournal. So I started journaling in there. SO HAPPY I DID! Reading back on things that happened, especially in college was wonderful. I remembered so many people who had blessed my life and made a difference. I loved that if I got a special card or message I'd write it in my livejournal.

It was also a lot of fun going back and reading about how things progressed with Leif:) I'm a bit embarrassed by myself but at the same time I love seeing how I changed from year to year. Even month to month.

I wish I was as consistent with journaling as I had been then. Maybe Ill get better?

My husband told me he misses the woman he married.

I miss her too.

Pregnancy, what have you done to me?

I am content[where we are]
&
I am confident[in myself]

I ended my first book with the words 'no answer'. I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words.

---C.S Lewis; Till We Have Faces

I'm reading Weight of Glory again.
The idea of heaven and being with Jesus is beautiful.

I like the woman I've become.

I like where I'm headed.

I like the changes I've made.

A lot of this is because of Riley and being her mother.
But really its because of God and His goodness.

Ignorance.

I don't like the word ignorant and I've never called anyone that, until this week.

It bothers me when people say things like "Only a small amount of American's are actually racist". On tv last night, a woman said less than 10%. These are always white middle class Americans. Republicans. I have nothing against these people... I lived amongst them growing up and I considered myself a Republican. I still do.

But being black I see things a bit different. I used to think that racism didn't really happen anymore, maybe in the South but not here. I grew up and moved out and then I experienced it. I can't expect someone who has never experienced it to understand but I also don't expect them to tell me I'm wrong.

This week, countless times, I tried to explain but people would tell me I was wrong. I've had first hand experience. But that doesn't mean anything... I do appreciate that President Obama has sparked lots of talk about racism and race.

What I really want to say it: Racism still exists. What are you doing about it?

Worn out.

I'm tired. I don't remember my pregnancy with Riley being this tiring... I guess I was able to sleep a lot more when I was pregnant with her. Even when I try to get a lot of sleep I find myself worn out. Thank you 9 month old:) I just want to sleep. I just want to rest.

I'd like a vacation. But not visiting family or friends. I'd like to go somewhere where I am not obligated to see anyone, I can take time for just myself. That sounds selfish but my body doesn't feel like it can do much more.

I haven't written in this since July?
Weird.

I'm a little discouraged at the moment and I'm missing my mommy.
Pregnancy is treating me well and I'm looking forward to having the baby belly.
I'm not missing Southern California as much anymore, and for that I'm grateful.
I still want to be living in Oregon but we'll see where God takes us from here...

I miss Him actually.
I miss Church.
I miss other Christians.

The girls I hang out with believe in God I guess? But its not that big of a deal to them. One of them is Mormon, she's the one I spend most of my time with. She's having a hard time at her church, they're not welcoming. I can relate to that. We run into the girls from her church at the park. We meet with our group the same time they meet with theirs. They're rude. I didn't realize grown ups could be like that. We've tried to get along with them but they don't want anything to do with us really. I don't understand adults.

And that brings me to something else: I don't feel like I'm actually a grown up.
I still feel like a little girl compared to everyone else.
Why is this?