My husband told me he misses the woman he married.

I miss her too.

Pregnancy, what have you done to me?

I am content[where we are]
&
I am confident[in myself]

I ended my first book with the words 'no answer'. I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words.

---C.S Lewis; Till We Have Faces

I'm reading Weight of Glory again.
The idea of heaven and being with Jesus is beautiful.

I like the woman I've become.

I like where I'm headed.

I like the changes I've made.

A lot of this is because of Riley and being her mother.
But really its because of God and His goodness.

Ignorance.

I don't like the word ignorant and I've never called anyone that, until this week.

It bothers me when people say things like "Only a small amount of American's are actually racist". On tv last night, a woman said less than 10%. These are always white middle class Americans. Republicans. I have nothing against these people... I lived amongst them growing up and I considered myself a Republican. I still do.

But being black I see things a bit different. I used to think that racism didn't really happen anymore, maybe in the South but not here. I grew up and moved out and then I experienced it. I can't expect someone who has never experienced it to understand but I also don't expect them to tell me I'm wrong.

This week, countless times, I tried to explain but people would tell me I was wrong. I've had first hand experience. But that doesn't mean anything... I do appreciate that President Obama has sparked lots of talk about racism and race.

What I really want to say it: Racism still exists. What are you doing about it?

Worn out.

I'm tired. I don't remember my pregnancy with Riley being this tiring... I guess I was able to sleep a lot more when I was pregnant with her. Even when I try to get a lot of sleep I find myself worn out. Thank you 9 month old:) I just want to sleep. I just want to rest.

I'd like a vacation. But not visiting family or friends. I'd like to go somewhere where I am not obligated to see anyone, I can take time for just myself. That sounds selfish but my body doesn't feel like it can do much more.

I haven't written in this since July?
Weird.

I'm a little discouraged at the moment and I'm missing my mommy.
Pregnancy is treating me well and I'm looking forward to having the baby belly.
I'm not missing Southern California as much anymore, and for that I'm grateful.
I still want to be living in Oregon but we'll see where God takes us from here...

I miss Him actually.
I miss Church.
I miss other Christians.

The girls I hang out with believe in God I guess? But its not that big of a deal to them. One of them is Mormon, she's the one I spend most of my time with. She's having a hard time at her church, they're not welcoming. I can relate to that. We run into the girls from her church at the park. We meet with our group the same time they meet with theirs. They're rude. I didn't realize grown ups could be like that. We've tried to get along with them but they don't want anything to do with us really. I don't understand adults.

And that brings me to something else: I don't feel like I'm actually a grown up.
I still feel like a little girl compared to everyone else.
Why is this?

I'm tired of being sick. I didn't realize morning sickness was so draining and terrible. I have morning sickness because I'm pregnant. Again. This is my 4th pregnancy. In a year and a half. My body is tired and its been awhile since my hormones were at normal levels.

I'm scared and worried, but I'm trying with all the strength I have left to rely on God.

I'm also worried about what will happen with school. Its hard to earn a art degree online:) God knows though. He does.

I'm also slacking on my summer list. Thankfully I have some good tips to fight this sickness and wonderful people joining me for the next three weeks. I'll be able to check some things off!

Wise with money.

I dislike being wise with my money, but I do it anyways. Its nice to know that it will pay off in a few years, but it really sucks right now. So many things I want to buy, things for my house, a new car, fancy kitchen items and lots of cookbooks, plants for my yard, new camera equipment, more fish for dinner, haha!

I cannot bring myself to buy anything over $20 if I'm buying for me. My parents gave me a good amount of money for my birthday and my mom said: "Please spend this on yourself". But I can't do it. Instead I'm putting most of it towards my credit cards, and saving the rest.

I have a goal to be debt free, by the time I'm 25. The way things are going I should be debt free sooner than that if I keep up. Sometimes though I want to get off track. I want to stop paying more than the minimum, and just pay the minimum. I want to take all the extra money we get and buy something nice... Like a fancy mixer or a new car.

Then I remember that having no debt with a little stuff, is a lot better than having lots of stuff, with lots of debt. I'm grateful for a husband that is very wise with money and that is helping me stay on track. I know I'll be grateful when we buy our first car and our first house. I already am grateful that God gives us money to pay our bills and to pay a little more on our credit cards each month. I'm grateful we're able to eat and buy gas. I'm grateful that when we have needs, those are more than met. Although I want more sometimes, God gives me all that I need and never does He give me any less.

He gives me so much more in other ways.

Thoughts on God and the church.

I was thinking about God and His unconditional mercy and love. I was thinking about how He sent His only Son to die for us... He knew that some wouldn't care, someone would deny this free gift, yet He still did it.

I was thinking about how when Jesus came He told everyone to follow two commandments: Love your God, and love your neighbor. This doesn't mean the other 8 don't count, you see, by following those two, you will follow the other 8. (Matthew 22:36-40)

I was thinking about loving God and how I want to obey Him, honor Him, serve Him. Because I love Him. Those things should come easily, not that they are easy. Then I thought about loving others, and I realized that by doing this I will respect them, I won't want to covet things that are theres, nor would I want to steal from them:)

I thought about how so many times in religions they have rituals and rules. Rules and rituals. But Christianity isn't about the rituals, nor is it about the rules. Its about the relationship. I used to roll my eyes at that, but it comes down to our personal relationship with Jesus and our Father.
We were created to be in relationship with God, and instead of forcing us, He has given us the choice.

(I could go into predestination but I won't because its complicated)

What a loving Father to give us a choice. To let us decide if we will follow and serve Him. He loves us so much that He has left this up to us.

And when we do decide to enter into relationship with Him, then He asks us to simply love Him and others.

People assume that Christianity means no smoking, no drinking, no swearing, no dancing... That there are many rules tied in. But those are things the church has attached to Christianity. I'm not saying its okay, but if you struggle with those things, you are still allowed to know God and be part of the Church. I love that everyone is welcome and there is no criteria you need to meet. When God sent Jesus, He sent Him to the Jews and the Gentiles. We are the Gentiles, we got crafted in. Because Jesus was sent for everyone. (John 3:17)

Everyone is welcome in the Church. I'm trying to remember this.

The older I get, the more comfortable with myself I become.

The more comfortable with myself I become, the more I appreciate the way I was made.





Best cover of Morrissey's First of the Gang to Die. I love this song so much. And I also love Morrissey. Loved him in the Smiths and love him as a solo artist.

Going back.

I'm going back to simple living. Back to barefeet and long skirts. Back to playing pretend and dressing up. Back to books and music and philosophy. Back to nature and beauty that comes from God's artwork.

Why is it so easy to get caught up with things that don't matter?

God, You are so good.

So blessed.

I'm so blessed. I get reminded of this when I'm actually able to get a hold of my best friend in South Carolina and we get to pick up where we left off. I'm reminded of this when my husband comes home from work to eat with me instead of his new friends at lunctime. I'm reminded of this when my sweet little baby is teething at night but smiles when mommy tucks her back in. I'm reminded of this when people call me to set up a time to come visit us here in Monterey.

I woke up so excited, despite rocking Riley to sleep early in the morning. I love those moments so I didn't mind. I also got to wake up to lovely text messages from favorite friends.

God, you are always so good

Mourning.

I've been mourning for the baby I lost. Its hard because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. When it happened my mom tried to talk with me about it but I wasn't ready. Leif has a hard time talking to me about it because he didn't want me to ever go through it. I love him very much. This isn't something I want to discuss on the phone, especially since I get really awkward on the phone. I'd just be super uncomfortable.

I know that it happened for a reason and that God knows. Its just a difficult thing to go through. I knew it would happen eventually, its normal for a woman to have a miscarriage. But I wasn't prepared and I don't think you can be. It hurts when you don't see your baby anymore when you go into the doctor. It hurts when people around you are getting pregnant and get to hear their babies heartbeats. I know that when its time, we'll have another baby. I don't doubt that at all.

I've also learned that amidst death God is still God. And it reminds me that death cannot hold Him. He can take even a situation like this and turn it into good.

Photo blog.

I started a blog for my photos Les photos et leurs Histoires

flickr isn't enough for me to be able to talk about my photos, and such.

I think this will be helpful for me.

Start following followers.

Just because.

Read about how we like Monterey so far at the family blog: greenbeansandlittlethings.blogspot.com

Inspired.

I've been so inspired lately.
By antique china and pleated skirts. By Long Beach and recycled boxes. By oranges and oils.

I'm beginning to feel renewed and refreshed.
I also have been inspired by new friendships.

I want to see this live.

Also, we're behind on packing. Hopefully when Riley goes down for her nap I'll be able to catch us up:)

Answered prayers.

After a year of waiting on the Lord to tell me which direction to head... He has answered me. I'm so excited.

I've written about how I've been struggling with homosexuality and understanding it. Well God told me to stop worrying about it and to simply tell those that are homosexuals or struggling, that He loves them. Very much. I was reminded of the scene in Milk where Sean Penn's character tells this boy who wants to kill himself that God loves him. It doesn't matter what his sexual orientation is, God still has love and grace for him.

This doesn't mean I'm supporting homosexuality and saying that God is now okay with it. No, the bible is very clear on the matter, but its also clear about God's love. It has no bounds. And my love shouldn't either. I feel called to do some type of ministry. I'm in the process of researching and just praying a lot. Please keep me in your prayers!