::sigh::

His love is so refreshing.

I am bitter.

I wish I wasn't but I am.

Pray for me. I don't think I've ever been hurt like this before...

Beauty.

I've been in such a weird place. I entered school not caring one bit about how I looked or came across. My only concern was school and getting good grades. But as school is winding down I'm becoming more concerned about how I look, constantly comparing myself to other people, mostly girls...beautiful ones. I'm neglecting my schoolwork because I'm scared I'm not good enough for some boy to actually be attracted to me. I despise girls who think like that but now that I take a step back and look at the past few weeks I'm disgusted with myself. How could I become that which I disliked so much? How?

I am reminded of a message Pastor Alex once gave about how satan uses our weakness to tempt us, to lead us away and distract us from God. My weakness is my self-esteem. I was almost in a good place. Not really caring and being content with the way God made me...But its like I lingered a little too long in front of the mirror...Then a little more time on thinking about what I was going to wear and trying things on instead of spending time in the word...Actually making an effort to apply makeup, although I don't really enjoy wearing it...Beginning to compare myself to every girl and tear myself down over and over...satan used another weakness. Certain boys from my past. Boys that really left bruises and scars. Everytime I would see these boys I would be reminded about how I wasn't good enough, and I would be left with those thoughts. Thoughts that I would just go over and over with. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't pretty enough. My past seemed to be something that was coming up more and more, slapping me in the face and making me dislike myself even more. I blamed my past for ruining relationships and basically ruining my life.

This last week though I wanted to catch up on my bible reading so every spare moment was spent reading God's word. My heart was humbled and my spirit was refreshed. And finally my eyes were opened again. I remembered the real beauty that I wanted and was working towards. The beauty that came from the heart, from the heart that was simply devoted to serving Jesus. I want someone to be attracted to that and that alone. After being reminded of this I felt as if all the stress and worry about how I looked or acted was removed. God made me. I am beautiful to Him. Thats all that matters. Inner beauty is what I desire more than anything.

It is not an easy journey but God is so good and so patient. I am trying to learn that in His sight I am beautiful and loved. No matter what I say or do I am still adored by Him. He doesn't care about my past or let that stop Him from pursuing me.

Basically Proverbs 31 is what I am striving for.

I just want to please Him in all I do. In all I say. I want to serve Him. I want that to be my only concern.

I do believe that I will be leaving this semester the way I entered and that makes me happy. God is so good and I want to stay focused on Him.

When will the rain pour?

so I can sleep in and not feel bad. So I can listen to Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Death Cab for Cutie. I want to watch the rain from my window. I want to watch a long movie still in my pajamas with a blanket wrapped around me. Later I would dance through some puddles. I wouldn't need a jacket or shoes. Barefoot is how I like to enjoy the rain. The smell of rain is amazing. I like to stand with my arms spread out just inviting the rain. Its my favorite time to pray to God. So much beauty is seen through the rain...Hes amazing.

Lord, let it rain.

This is true for me.

So many times I've tried to write something that will reach someone,anyone, help them in some way, encourage them in some way...usually I fail. Well always. But then sometimes I write from just my heart. From an experience I've had. About a person I've met who has blessed me. God. I don't write for anyone but for myself...to be honest with myself. Those are the times people respond. Its like what you've written is what they've been trying to say all along. They've wanted to be honest but they didn't have the words. What you've written are the words they've been trying to form. Words they've needed to hear. Words that encourage them.

Those times are the greatest times. You've blessed someone without trying to. You've helped someone even when you were just trying to help yourself.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...