Monday, February 07, 2011

Post Partum Depression.

Last week I started therapy and I found out that I was suffering from depression. Something I had thought I might have but wasn't sure.  I realized recently that I have no idea who I am as a person. I've been pregnant and raising babies for the last few years that it became my identity. I'm in this process of figuring out who I am without pregnancy and without a baby thats dependent on me 24/7.  I think thats why I'm almost mourning the fact that my son is no longer a baby... Everyday he becomes more dependent and would rather spend time with his sister than me.  That's also why I think I'm ready to have another baby. 

  I remember looking forward to this time in my life, being able to do things I wasn't able to for two years. Yet, I find myself here and I'm at a loss.  How do you tell your friends and family that you're sad, but you're not sure why you're sad? I have ideas and reasons why I could be sad, but I can't place my finger on it. That's frustrating to me. I'm usually really good with sorting feelings and figuring things like this out. But I've finally reached a point where I'm tired, and I need help from someone.  

 My therapist says that my depression probably stems from the fact that I'm overwhelmed. But then I look at other moms and they don't seem or act overwhelmed and while I know that depression isn't a sign of weakness... I can't help but think I have become weak.  I cannot be weak because I'm a wife, a mother, a best friend, a sister, and a daughter. I have people that count on me constantly for many things and its tiring. I felt as if I had no one to confide in and count on because what I'm carrying is heavy and I don't expect my friends and family to carry that with me. 

  I'm relieved and starting to make changes. My mom knows me so well and mentioned this to me when Beck was born but I didn't listen, because I thought I'd be fine. I'm not fine and I'm okay admitting that :) I remember trying to express to Leif my feelings and knowing he felt that it was partly his fault. Its not. I think its part of life and part of transitioning. I think my personality plays a big part in this to. A few weeks ago I wrote about how I feel everything and I take on everything, this is a result of that.  Before I go on anything my therapist wants to work on coping methods for my anxiety. Starting with exercise. Something I've stopped doing because I've had no motivation to. Which is odd because thats part of who I am.  My therapist has also encouraged me to continue my baking and cooking because it helps with my anxiety.  

  Besides that Leif and I have decided to commit to a church in the area and I've begun doing their Womens Bible Study. Its already impacted me a lot and I'm amazed at what I've been learning these past few weeks!  I'm liking the changes :)

 Phew, I feel good that I've shared this and been vulnerable for a bit.

[this is also why I haven't blogged in awhile!]

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

NEW!

Starting a new blog to document things I find... I think people are tired of all the things I link to on facebook: new blogspot!

GO FOLLOW FRIENDS!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My heart is full.
I was humbled and blessed this week.
My spirit is renewed.

Gold shoes make any outfit so much better.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Faith.

I'm learning to step out and have faith. To be confident in my Father and His direction in my life.
I think I have been struggling with having confidence in myself because I wasn't putting faith in the one who I follow and depend on.

I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life to encourage me and be reminders of His grace and love.

I can't begin to count the ways God has blessed my life.

I've been feeling challenged by God. He's been asking me to simply trust Him.  I am going to.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I called my mom yesterday on my way to the gym and she answered the phone singing: "Has anyone told you I loved you today"

It made my night.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I love my mom and our conversations. I love hearing that she prays for me. I need so much prayer! Always:)

Having two children has put a strain on my marriage. Leif and I are learning how to work through this. Its difficult and sometimes I just want to give up. That'd be too easy. God's helping us and we're learning so much.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good. They hope, by being good, to please God if there is one; or — if they think there is not — at least they hope to deserve approval from good men. But the Christian thinks any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him. He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us; just as the roof of a greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, but becomes bright because the sun shines on it.

C.S. Lewis