Last week I started therapy and I found out that I was suffering from depression. Something I had thought I might have but wasn't sure. I realized recently that I have no idea who I am as a person. I've been pregnant and raising babies for the last few years that it became my identity. I'm in this process of figuring out who I am without pregnancy and without a baby thats dependent on me 24/7. I think thats why I'm almost mourning the fact that my son is no longer a baby... Everyday he becomes more dependent and would rather spend time with his sister than me. That's also why I think I'm ready to have another baby.
I remember looking forward to this time in my life, being able to do things I wasn't able to for two years. Yet, I find myself here and I'm at a loss. How do you tell your friends and family that you're sad, but you're not sure why you're sad? I have ideas and reasons why I could be sad, but I can't place my finger on it. That's frustrating to me. I'm usually really good with sorting feelings and figuring things like this out. But I've finally reached a point where I'm tired, and I need help from someone.
My therapist says that my depression probably stems from the fact that I'm overwhelmed. But then I look at other moms and they don't seem or act overwhelmed and while I know that depression isn't a sign of weakness... I can't help but think I have become weak. I cannot be weak because I'm a wife, a mother, a best friend, a sister, and a daughter. I have people that count on me constantly for many things and its tiring. I felt as if I had no one to confide in and count on because what I'm carrying is heavy and I don't expect my friends and family to carry that with me.
I'm relieved and starting to make changes. My mom knows me so well and mentioned this to me when Beck was born but I didn't listen, because I thought I'd be fine. I'm not fine and I'm okay admitting that :) I remember trying to express to Leif my feelings and knowing he felt that it was partly his fault. Its not. I think its part of life and part of transitioning. I think my personality plays a big part in this to. A few weeks ago I wrote about how I feel everything and I take on everything, this is a result of that. Before I go on anything my therapist wants to work on coping methods for my anxiety. Starting with exercise. Something I've stopped doing because I've had no motivation to. Which is odd because thats part of who I am. My therapist has also encouraged me to continue my baking and cooking because it helps with my anxiety.
Besides that Leif and I have decided to commit to a church in the area and I've begun doing their Womens Bible Study. Its already impacted me a lot and I'm amazed at what I've been learning these past few weeks! I'm liking the changes :)
Phew, I feel good that I've shared this and been vulnerable for a bit.
[this is also why I haven't blogged in awhile!]
14 comments:
Although I don't know what it feels like to be a mother, I know what it feels like to go through depression, and it's not going to happen over night. Take one day at a time, and realize that you're not perfect. I think at times, especially as women, we tend to aspire to be perfect in every way and wish things would go our way...perfectly. However, life is not like that. You're going to make mistaks, and you're going to feel bad at times. It is during those times when your strength is tested the most, and I'm sure you will pass with flying colors :)
Hey Marge,
Praying for you! Thanks for being so open and honest. I hear a lot of women feel like this after having babies. :-) Hang in there!
Good for you Hon. It is awesome that you sought help. That is always the hard thing for women who do so well doing so much. We don't want to seem vulnerable or needing help. Continue to listen, sounds like you got a therapist that knows a lil' something. Blessings.
I love this post and I love that you are strong enough to share it. You have definitely not become weak and writing this lets others know they are not alone when having feelings like this.
I don't know what it is like to be a mom but I relate to the whole identity crisis. I am in the who am I search as well.
Cooking and baking helps me with anxiety as well. Perhaps we should share some recipes :)
Depression is a sneaky terrible thing. I'm glad you had the right mind to get it diagnosed and are on the road to making things better for yourself and your family.
I don't think it's uncommon for women to get so caught up in mothering that they lose who they are. I did for a while after my second child was born. I also went through a depression but after about a year had to pull myself out of it - went through hell and back. Thankfully you have support in making up for that.
Hope you get better very soon and glad to hear that you're already underway to becoming the old you again.
Thank you for sharing on something that is so private and very important. It is great that you sought help--a sign of bravery and strength. I know that it is difficult to admit very private things to a stranger. I work in the mental health field and this is a common reason why pts don't seek help. I think you are a very strong woman and I pray that God will continue to strengthen and bless you with the wisdom to see how courageous you are.
Thanks for sharing this. As a mom it means so much to read... Im going through the same thing and wrote a short play about it. Perhaps you can read and it will help you in some way.
Hi,
don't think, don't ask yourself, forget your therapist and do anything make happy you.
Life's short, be mamma another time, write on blog, love your love, see the sun, drink water... Everything, simple, if you feel happy, but little things; big things are dreams. Life is so.
Thanks a lot for your attention.
I completely understand what you mean! A lot of women don't even understand that the hormonal changes your body goes through are so drastic that there are only a few ways to help prevent and allieviate the depression. Placenta encapsulation s a huge one after birth. Something I wasnt made aware of until recently. I am pregnant and already have that depressed feeling. It will get better! You are blessed with two amazing babies, and you know that. I will be praying for restoration on your life, and re balance of your hormones. Have you looked into Maca Powder? Helps tremendously with rebalancing out the hormones, and also raw cacao. This too shall pass.....
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Hello Margaret I been there, felt the way you do. It is good that you have decided to do something about it like joining a womens study group. Take a old of the hem of His garment. Check out my blog gracegoesfortheheart.blogspto
Wow the courage it takes to express your feelings and put this out there is a big step. Not only does it help for you to write down what your feeling but it helps others to know they are not alone, like me, I am a single mom of two boys and I am feel so encouraged by your words because I feel the same way as you do about alot of lifes challenges we as mothers and women face. Thanks so much for sharing your hardships so others like me can relate.
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