Last week I started therapy and I found out that I was suffering from depression. Something I had thought I might have but wasn't sure. I realized recently that I have no idea who I am as a person. I've been pregnant and raising babies for the last few years that it became my identity. I'm in this process of figuring out who I am without pregnancy and without a baby thats dependent on me 24/7. I think thats why I'm almost mourning the fact that my son is no longer a baby... Everyday he becomes more dependent and would rather spend time with his sister than me. That's also why I think I'm ready to have another baby.
I remember looking forward to this time in my life, being able to do things I wasn't able to for two years. Yet, I find myself here and I'm at a loss. How do you tell your friends and family that you're sad, but you're not sure why you're sad? I have ideas and reasons why I could be sad, but I can't place my finger on it. That's frustrating to me. I'm usually really good with sorting feelings and figuring things like this out. But I've finally reached a point where I'm tired, and I need help from someone.
My therapist says that my depression probably stems from the fact that I'm overwhelmed. But then I look at other moms and they don't seem or act overwhelmed and while I know that depression isn't a sign of weakness... I can't help but think I have become weak. I cannot be weak because I'm a wife, a mother, a best friend, a sister, and a daughter. I have people that count on me constantly for many things and its tiring. I felt as if I had no one to confide in and count on because what I'm carrying is heavy and I don't expect my friends and family to carry that with me.
I'm relieved and starting to make changes. My mom knows me so well and mentioned this to me when Beck was born but I didn't listen, because I thought I'd be fine. I'm not fine and I'm okay admitting that :) I remember trying to express to Leif my feelings and knowing he felt that it was partly his fault. Its not. I think its part of life and part of transitioning. I think my personality plays a big part in this to. A few weeks ago I wrote about how I feel everything and I take on everything, this is a result of that. Before I go on anything my therapist wants to work on coping methods for my anxiety. Starting with exercise. Something I've stopped doing because I've had no motivation to. Which is odd because thats part of who I am. My therapist has also encouraged me to continue my baking and cooking because it helps with my anxiety.
Besides that Leif and I have decided to commit to a church in the area and I've begun doing their Womens Bible Study. Its already impacted me a lot and I'm amazed at what I've been learning these past few weeks! I'm liking the changes :)
Phew, I feel good that I've shared this and been vulnerable for a bit.
[this is also why I haven't blogged in awhile!]