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Face Hunter.

Currently

My life consists of cardigans, scrabble, unfinished books, a journal that needs more words in it...and a little bit of hope. Not much, but just enough I think.


Beauty. I desire it so bad. It's painful how bad I want it. My idea of beauty is a life filled with books, writing, art, music...intellect...Things that truly touch the soul. I'm aching for this kind of beauty. I once wrote a letter, a lovely letter at that. It was the best letter I have ever written. It was pages and pages, quotes and songs, Psalms...It was all about striving for beauty. My favorite quote was "In the woods is perpetual youth" from Emerson's Nature. I wish I could have that letter back.


We have these minds that are such a gift, and all these opportunities to learn more. There is so much I want to learn, so much I want to know. I brought a million books to school to read them and re read them. I want to get through my Shakespeare book, which is probably one of the best gifts I have ever received. I love my book on grammar, but want to study it more. I want to go back to the Buddhist temple and just sit and watch the people praying. I like the peace I felt when I was there. I don't understand why I don't have that peace within a church.


I want to go back to the way I was. I don't want to get too comfortable where I am right now.

God has blessed me

Jaclyn is one of the most beautiful people I know and our friendship is growing so much.
God is good, all the time=)
I've needed a friend like her.

It's official.

I'm engaged.

I'm getting married next Fall. =)

At this moment

Life is so perfect and beautiful.
God is good...all the time.

C.S Lewis

[On the topic of Heaven being our reward]

We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something
that has never actually appeared in our experience.
We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we
betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.

::sigh::

His love is so refreshing.

I am bitter.

I wish I wasn't but I am.

Pray for me. I don't think I've ever been hurt like this before...

Beauty.

I've been in such a weird place. I entered school not caring one bit about how I looked or came across. My only concern was school and getting good grades. But as school is winding down I'm becoming more concerned about how I look, constantly comparing myself to other people, mostly girls...beautiful ones. I'm neglecting my schoolwork because I'm scared I'm not good enough for some boy to actually be attracted to me. I despise girls who think like that but now that I take a step back and look at the past few weeks I'm disgusted with myself. How could I become that which I disliked so much? How?

I am reminded of a message Pastor Alex once gave about how satan uses our weakness to tempt us, to lead us away and distract us from God. My weakness is my self-esteem. I was almost in a good place. Not really caring and being content with the way God made me...But its like I lingered a little too long in front of the mirror...Then a little more time on thinking about what I was going to wear and trying things on instead of spending time in the word...Actually making an effort to apply makeup, although I don't really enjoy wearing it...Beginning to compare myself to every girl and tear myself down over and over...satan used another weakness. Certain boys from my past. Boys that really left bruises and scars. Everytime I would see these boys I would be reminded about how I wasn't good enough, and I would be left with those thoughts. Thoughts that I would just go over and over with. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't pretty enough. My past seemed to be something that was coming up more and more, slapping me in the face and making me dislike myself even more. I blamed my past for ruining relationships and basically ruining my life.

This last week though I wanted to catch up on my bible reading so every spare moment was spent reading God's word. My heart was humbled and my spirit was refreshed. And finally my eyes were opened again. I remembered the real beauty that I wanted and was working towards. The beauty that came from the heart, from the heart that was simply devoted to serving Jesus. I want someone to be attracted to that and that alone. After being reminded of this I felt as if all the stress and worry about how I looked or acted was removed. God made me. I am beautiful to Him. Thats all that matters. Inner beauty is what I desire more than anything.

It is not an easy journey but God is so good and so patient. I am trying to learn that in His sight I am beautiful and loved. No matter what I say or do I am still adored by Him. He doesn't care about my past or let that stop Him from pursuing me.

Basically Proverbs 31 is what I am striving for.

I just want to please Him in all I do. In all I say. I want to serve Him. I want that to be my only concern.

I do believe that I will be leaving this semester the way I entered and that makes me happy. God is so good and I want to stay focused on Him.

When will the rain pour?

so I can sleep in and not feel bad. So I can listen to Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Death Cab for Cutie. I want to watch the rain from my window. I want to watch a long movie still in my pajamas with a blanket wrapped around me. Later I would dance through some puddles. I wouldn't need a jacket or shoes. Barefoot is how I like to enjoy the rain. The smell of rain is amazing. I like to stand with my arms spread out just inviting the rain. Its my favorite time to pray to God. So much beauty is seen through the rain...Hes amazing.

Lord, let it rain.

This is true for me.

So many times I've tried to write something that will reach someone,anyone, help them in some way, encourage them in some way...usually I fail. Well always. But then sometimes I write from just my heart. From an experience I've had. About a person I've met who has blessed me. God. I don't write for anyone but for myself...to be honest with myself. Those are the times people respond. Its like what you've written is what they've been trying to say all along. They've wanted to be honest but they didn't have the words. What you've written are the words they've been trying to form. Words they've needed to hear. Words that encourage them.

Those times are the greatest times. You've blessed someone without trying to. You've helped someone even when you were just trying to help yourself.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...

When I go to New York

I want to do this.
Give peace a chance kids.

Do you just have those weeks that you feel alone?
Like no one else is really there?
Well thats what my past few weeks have felt like
But it doesn't really bother me...
Because its like these past few weeks I've fallen more in love with God

Thats all I had to say.

=)

I love my sister.

Willingness and Readiness to Know God More

"Once you have come to believe God, you demonstrate your faith by what you do. Some action is required...You cannot continue life as usual or stay where you are, and go with God at the same time...To go from your ways, thoughts, and purposes to God's will always requires a major adjustment. God may require adjustments in your circumstances, relationships, thinking, commitments, actions, and beliefs. Once you have made the necessary adjustments you can follow God in obedience. Keep in mind-the God who calls you is also the One who will enable you to do His will."-Henry Blackaby and Calaude King...Experiencing God

So this is love...

simply my best friend Jesus =]

&

I lost my purity ring, which was my beloved claddagh [how do you spell it???], while swimming. Basically it didnt really bother me cause what it stood for was lost a year ago...ha almost on that day.

My dad wants to get me another one, and I want another one. I want to try this whole thing all over again.


So I've been finding new music for the past month almost and I'm finding the most amazing music ever!!! So go listen to I'm from Barcelona...their picture loaded up fuzzy =[

Mmhmm

I am blessed.

Amazing

photographs

Again?

I am tired of hearing that I am too nice. That I'm too good of a friend for some people. That I deserve better. I hate how people use those as excuses to stop a friendship.

It happened again.

It breaks my heart. You come to love people with their faults, yet they think that their faults are too much, too much for me and they think they're protecting me from getting hurt. Really they're hurting me more...Of course I'm going to love you despite everything bad you've done. Im far from perfect. And all I want is for you to love me and encourage me to do better. Isn't that what we all desire?

I'm holding in tears because I knew in the back of my head this would happen. I mean, most of me didn't think so but a little part of me did. The little part that still is afraid of what people can do to my heart. I don't want to see all my friendships in a negative way, so I try to see them in a positive light. I don't want to live in fear. But here I am again. I'm not going to complain about anyone, because no one is perfect. I'm still going to love these people who have hurt me, and not on purpose. I'm not going to ask why do I have to be so accepting and so kind-hearted. Thats the way I am and nothing can change that. I just pray that God will show them they can be loved despite their sins. And I pray God brings better people into their lives to bless them in ways I cannot.

Thank you to all who have put up with me. I am blessed to have you in my life. I'm blessed to just know you. Thank you for your prayes and your love. I appreciate you all. <3