Another early morning.

Although I've been losing sleep, I've been enjoying my early mornings by myself. Its like a break from life for me. I get to sit and pray, sit and think, sit and pray some more. Mostly pray though. I spend a lot of my time praying. I think its important. I believe in prayer. Its a way for me to speak with my Father openly and honestly. I try to do it through out my day. Its a good reminder that God is always with me, even when I'm changing dirty diapers.

My prayers lately have mostly consisted of me thanking God. I'm in constant amazement of His grace and love. I've also been asking that God gives me patience. Not just with Him and waiting on Him, but with even the little things. Like being patient with Leif. I lose my temper with him a lot. I get impatient with cooking, with cleaning, with driving, with wii... If it doesn't work right away the way I would like then I get upset and frustrated. The same goes for whenever I don't get an answer from God. While I was pregnant I spent many a day on my knees begging God literally to show me what He wanted for me. I never really got an answer. I'm still waiting. I've simply been told that I need to expect great things but to wait. sfdkljsdf;oijkldfgljdfgljdo

Irritating.
I think I see a little progress though. And the praying helps me remain patient. So does reading the word. Which I should do when I finish this.

Finished.

OH!

I never thank the people that read my blog and the ones who comment! Thank you thank you thank you. I really appreciate the time you put into reading my ramblings and the time you take to write me a little comment. It means the world to me:) I hope you all know this. Thank you for blessing my life and making it a bit better!

I can't sleep because I have allergies and they like to attack at night:) Although I love my sleep I take this time to blog, catch up on messages and emails, edit photos, research things (especially natural hair) and eat some food. A girl made a comment to me today at a baby shower, that kind of threw me off... I know she meant what she said as a joke but I was still bothered a little. We were talking about being stay-at-home-mothers and she was sharing how she bakes all the time. I don't bake. Nor do I really cook. I also don't do laundry. I clean sometimes though. My husband does the rest. She then proceeded to tell me he's going to wake up a month from now and wonder why he married me. I laughed. But I didn't like what she said. One, is he really? And two, cause it hurt my feelings. I could be a better wife. I know this. I could bake and cook and clean. And I try to. I just like spending my time doing other things, like playing with Riley or playing with my camera.

Her comment got me thinking though, I could try harder. I will. Ah, another challenge for myself! But the real reason I posted this story was because her comment also reminded me that, I am married to a wonderful man. Blessed I am. I don't deserve him yet he's my husband. God loves me. A lot. My marriage is evidence of God and His love for Leif and I.

So here I am writing my husband a letter:) Similar to the ones I used to write when we were apart the summer after we started dating. Why did I stop writing letters to him? Just because we got married? What a terrible and lazy reason. I think that you all should write a letter to someone you love, no matter who it is.

About having mommy friends

I think I've changed my mind about that. Most mothers I've been meeting bore the hell out of me.

Can we please talk about something other than our children? Seriously? I love my baby, I do. And I'm sure you love yours. But really do we need to keep comparing birth stories? And how much are babies weigh and eat? That gets annoying after awhile.

I thought that having a baby would change my relationships and it has. My relationships with friends who don't have children are only getting better.

Currently I'm dreading play dates. Someone prove to me that having mommy friends isn't boring and lame. That we can talk about other things besides our children and being mommy please. I feel like there is more to life...

Broken Social Scene

I'm on a Broken Social Scene kick. They're in my top 5 bands. I love me some Kevin Drew and Brendan Canning. I posted a video by Brendan Canning with Kevin Drew on my family blog.

OBSESSED.

Passion.

My passion has returned. And I'm praying and asking God to keep it going.

I'm so excited right now. God is so good. My heart is so full.

I'm in love with my Maker in a way I haven't been in months. Almost a year.

He's working in my heart. Changing the way I look at things, especially my relationship with Him.

He's bringing wonderful people in my life and showing me that some people have been here all along.

I'm spending a lot more time praying and reading the word. Reading the word and praying. I'm not getting enough.

Isn't that how it should be though? Never being satisfied with what you learn and with God. I want so much more and I'm diving head first.

It feels amazing and I've missed my Father. Yes, I know I've always loved Him, but our relationship has changed for the better.

I'm pursuing with all my heart and all my strength.

Lately I've been having this deep desire to go deeper into God's word and to spend a lot more time with Him. I'm not getting satisfied. I need more. Constantly.

He's really working in my life, starting with my heart.

I will elaborate on this later:)

Homosexuality and Christianity

I'm really struggling here with knowing how to approach homosexuality from a Christian point of view. I know what the bible tells us, but I'm still confused.

I've been having a hard time with this for awhile now. About a year. I can understand being gay and not knowing God or knowing His word... But what about when you know what the bible says and you know how God feels about it. Will you continue to choose to live in a way that isn't pleasing to God, while serving Him? That confuses me.

Last night one of my best friends came out to Leif and I. We both knew but we wanted to wait to give him the chance to tell us himself. I was relieved when he finally told us. I was proud of him. And I love him even more because of it. Then Leif asked the question I was dying to ask: "well what about God and what the bible says". Our friends response was basically: "The bible says that woman can't do certain things yet we allow them to do it now. So I'm hoping that being gay is along those lines... but I don't think it is".

For me its hard to choose something that would hurt God, on purpose for my own pleasure. I know that being gay is a lot different than choosing to lie or steal. In God's eyes though the sin is equal. I think struggling with homosexuality is a lot harder than most sins.

What I want to know is, will God still let those who live the gay lifestyle but believe in Him, have accepted His son and all, into heaven? But if that's the case then we could all just continue to sin and expect to get into heaven. Because by being gay that's living a sinful lifestyle.

It hurts my heart because I love my friends. I want them to go to heaven. I want them to love and serve God the way He's intended to be loved and served. I'm so torn on what to think. I believe my God is fair and just. I do not believe He is cruel. But sometimes I wonder... And I don't understand why some people must suffer more than others.

Then that brings me back to the whole pre-election debate... Which I would rather not go into.

Please pray for me.

On a happy note now we can be Will & Grace like I've been waiting for:)

Twitter

I joined Twitter just so I can stalk Ellen.

Sad.

Photography.

I guess you could say my new and latest hobby is photography. Is that being trendy? I hope not. I feel like I'm like all other stay at home mom's, taking up photography and photographing my kid, and then maybe others? Its also pretty hip amongst the scene I tend to associate myself with. (I cringed when I wrote that... I hate that I'm kind of part of a scene)

But then again, I guess its not a bad trend. Its quite fun actually.

I'm enjoying letting things inspire me then trying to capture it somehow in a photo. Of course I practice on Riley but I don't want to be limited to children photography. Its too... soft... for me. I want to shoot stuff that is... edgier? I don't know. But I'm trying to practice on Leif. And other people I know. Oh and myself.

I don't see this as a career in no way. My heart is in missions and non-profit. Lord willing I'll be able to go into that.

No, I see this as a hobby. Something to do in my spare time, on the side. Something to keep me occupied. Its all for fun. I don't take it seriously. Yes, I am trying to improve, but for my own sake. Not for others. I do not intend on being a photographer and making money off of it. Because really, I suck. I can admit it. I hate hate hate when people suck, yet start a business and somehow make money? Sucking?

I wish I could be as good as Melissa or as creative as Shannon. Or brave and crazy like Megan. Or shoot if I could come close to what a lot of the art majors do... I would be happy, haha! Honestly, I would just shoot with a polaroid camera if the damn company wouldn't go out of business. Or film if it wasn't so expensive. Digital has lots of advantages though...

Really though, I'm content with the work I do. Leif loves it. My mom loves it. My mother in law loves it. That's enough for me:) I'm flattered that my MIL has asked me to take pictures of Gretchen and Maddy, my two sister in laws. I'm excited to cause it'll be fun and I'm coming up with all these great ideas.

So. I'm going to keep being inspired. Keep learning new things. Keep watching my photoshop tutorials. And I'll keep having fun. Cause really that's why I started in the first place.

I wish I had more mommy friends.

I'm not very good at communicating.

I do not return phone calls usually.
It takes me a long time to write back to emails.
I do not respond to letters or cards.

I do not like to make calls.
I do not really write emails.
I no longer write letters or cards.

I used to call people all the time.
I used to write long emails.
I used to send countless letters and cards for fun.

What happened?
Can I change this?
I was thinking about this the other day... The extent of my communication is text messaging.
Maybe that's my problem. I don't think I need to communicate any other way when I could just text.
I don't think text messages are that loving though... Sure they are appreciated, but a letter, or email or phone call means so much more. At least to me.

Some stuff happened to two girls I love very much this past week.
It made me realize I needed to call and show my love.
I made Brittney a package, but have yet to send it.
I will do that this week. I will also include the perfect letter.

My sister and mom send me cards all the time, this month I will send them each a card.

I will also make phone calls. I HATE HATE HATE the phone but I'm going to get over that.

I like how this blog has become a documentation of me changing.

About me?

I like having brown eyes.
I like to wear my jeans with white v-necks and brown sandles.
I also enjoy my TOMs.
Big earrings are my new favorite. But only if they're from World Market or hand-made.
I love World Market. When I get my house everything will come from that store. Actually, I don't need to wait until I have a house.
I also love Trader Joes and Whole Foods. I enjoy being healthy. And natural.
Yet I also enjoy a cigarette here and there.
With a Fat Tire. No hard stuff please.
Champagne is fun to. I'm no lush though.
I like to make my own skin products. I have sensitive skin, and I don't trust a lot of products.
I always grow out my eyebrows then wax them again.
I want to eat oatmeal and cream of wheat everyday. With flaxseed.
I think I'm pretty when I'm by myself but not around other people.
I hate sitting up straight.
I say I don't believe in Karma but I think I just might.
I know I like better music than most people. I dislike people with bad taste in music. I try not to hate but I can't help it...
I love God but I have a lot of questions. I know He's good.
I adore red hair. And freckles. I want Leif and Riley to have freckles. I have a few.
I wear the same things over and over. I like what's familiar.
But I also like to throw in something very un-familiar to throw myself off.

And when I say that I mean I'll throw in anything. I like life to always surprise me.

Yet another challenge.

We moved this weekend. I don't like moving... But that is not the point of this post. 

I was putting away all our books, and I realized that Leif and I used to read a lot.  I guess we didn't read that much while we were dating but before then. We have a lot of books, good books. I miss the reading. I don't know why we ever stopped. We both enjoy it and like being able to discuss what we read. 

I do not want to forget about reading all together just because I am getting older and time is becoming more scarce. I will make time. I can make time. It is not impossible. 

So this has prompted a new challenge. Leif and I are going to read a book every month. Not the same one, different ones. I wish I could say we'll read one every week or every other, but right now I don't think we could swing that.